Goodbye Sandman Hello No Doze!

Last night marked the first anniversary of our last full night of rest. You know the kind where you say good night to your spouse, roll over and sleep without interuptionfor about 8 hours and at that perfect time when you're fully recooped the sun wakes you.

Okay I can explain. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day we received "the call". We were so excited to hear Abby's voice on the line requesting to talk to both of us simultaneously. Now here's where the sleepless part comes in. She proceeded to tell us we had been matched with a birthmother who was scheduled for c-section in 9 days! I haven't slept a full night since then.

Immediately my nigths became filled with worries, fears and dreams. We worried the birthmother wouldn't like us, that she would find this gift too heartbreaking for her, that someone would talk her out of her decision. I worried I would not be prepared for the task ahead of me (I only had 9 days and several lists to complete!).

Then Ezekiel Jonathan made his entrance. Sleep seemed to vanish from our lives completely. The nights became a mirror of the day, feeding, burping, changing and rocking every 2 hours. Our little miracle began to stretch out his sleeping to 3 and 4 hours and again I worried. Was he breathing? Did I need to wake him to eat? What if he cried and I had slept through it?

Alas we completed the transition to an 8 hour stretch and yet I'm still awake. This time I worry that I'm going to blink and miss it all. I worry that Zeke will never fully know the love his birthfamily has for him or how much he has completed our family. I worry that I'm not a proper example and I know I'll never be the woman my mother is. So I toss and turn and yes, I get up and check and recheck to see that little chest rise and fall throughout the night. And occasionally I rest. I rest in the assurance that our Heavenly Father loves Zeke more than I could ever imagine and for whatever crazy reason He has entrusted this treasure to us for the time being. It's our job to give him back to God...Now I'm back to worryin!